


i loved and i loved and i lost you

by magnusbine



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Death, M/M, im so sorry for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-15 01:33:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7200065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnusbine/pseuds/magnusbine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by this: http://warlockboner.tumblr.com/post/145872417153/hurts-like-hell-by-fleurie-is-a-malec-song</p>
            </blockquote>





	i loved and i loved and i lost you

Their bedroom was light when he opened his eyes. The blinds that covered the windows didn’t do much to shield the sharp sun that hit Magnus’ eyes. Magnus shifted to his side, taking his boyfriend’s arm around him in the process. He smiled softly to himself, 15 more minutes can’t possibly hurt anyone. 

Magnus woke up an hour later, still in the same position with Alec’s arm laced around his waist. Something didn’t feel right. Alec’s arm felt cold and heavy against his own warm body. Where he normally would feel Alec’s hot breath hit his neck, he felt nothing but stillness. 

‘’Alec, darling, are you awake?’’ Magnus didn’t notice the trembling in his voice. There was no response and Magnus squeezed Alec’s hand, probably much harder than he originally had planned. But Magnus knew that Alec wouldn’t mind at this point. 

‘’Alexander, please.’’ Magnus voice broke at the end of the mention of his name; he didn’t notice that his body had started shaking before the first tear had shed on his pillow case. Against his broad back, he felt Alec’s cold chest. And he felt no familiar heartbeat. The same heartbeat he had woken up to almost every day for 67 years. 

Magnus laid there for what felt like hours, he felt like he couldn’t move nor breathe. It felt like everything had just stopped, but the only thing that had stopped was Alec’s living form. 

‘’Alec, please, I’m not ready, I can’t-‘’ his words got cut off by a loud sob that escaped his mouth, ‘’Alec,’’ Magnus turned around slowly, didn’t bother to wipe away the tears that were streaming down his face. 

Now facing his husband’s cold, white lifeless form, he reached out, taking Alec’s icy face in his hands. He traced every feature, like he always did when Alec was sleeping, but this time it was different. This time was most likely the last time he would be able to do this, to memorize every detail of his face. In a few days Alec’s body would be under in a wooden coffin under the ground. 

And all Magnus would be left alone with was memories, pictures and his own broken heart. 

Magnus took Alec’s arm in his hand and pulled it off of him. Once he was sitting straight up in their bed, he took another close look at him. He looked so peaceful, almost like he was just sleeping still. Oh, how much Magnus wished that was true. 

Reaching for his phone he found Max’s number, and pressed ’call’. It ringed four times before Max answered from the other end, ‘’Hey, dad! What’s up?’’ 

Magnus smiled at his son’s cluelessness, he wished he didn’t know either, he wanted nothing less than to talk to Max about how he was doing. But he knew that had to wait, he now had to tell his son that his dad had passed away in his sleep. He didn’t know where to start, how to say it without just breaking? Without his sobbing taking over his ability to form words? How could he put into words that the love of his life was no longer breathing? It was all too much.

‘’Max, where are you now?’’ The other line was silent for a second, ‘’I’m home? Dad, what’s going on? Is papa alright?’’ Magnus silenced his sob as much as he could. 

‘’Y-you-, its best of you sit down, Max.’’ he wanted to be strong for his son; he wanted it more than he wanted his tears to stop streaming, more than he wanted his lungs to stop aching.

‘’He’s gone, Max, I’m sorry.’’ Then he let himself break again, silent hiccups filling the silent room. He was still holding Alec’s arm in his hand, needed him for comfort. He wasn’t ready to be alone, and he wasn’t about to start before he had to. 

Magnus heard Max’s silent sobs, and they both stayed like that for a few minutes before Max broke the silence. ‘’I’m coming over, I won’t let you take him alone, please don’t fight me on it.’’ Magnus couldn’t do anything but nod with his phone still to his ear, but Max knew him, he knew him almost as much as Alec does. 

Did.

Almost as much as Alec did. 

Max hung up and Magnus placed his phone on the night stand again. He couldn’t bring himself to look as the lifeless form lying beside him. Magnus brought his knees up to his chest and hugged them tight. Tears never stopped streaming but he felt emotionless. How was he supposed to do now? What would he say to Max when he came into their apartment? 

After a short amount of time, he heard a knock on his door. He threw the covers to the side and stepped down from the bed and made his way to their front door. Magnus opened the door without asking who it was, already expecting Max. 

In the door frame he was greeted by Max’s trembling blue form, ‘’Where is he?’’ Magnus pointed to their bedroom, and let his son walk part him. He watched Max walk steadily, disappearing into the room. Seconds passed and then he could hear Max’s silent cry, the sound of something hitting the floor and he wasted no time while he sprinted to him.   
In his bedroom he found Max’s shaking form in a ball curled together on the floor, he had fallen to his knees and now his face was hidden in his hands. Magnus fell down beside him and took him into his arms, and Max hugged him back tight. 

Like that they cried together. Max cried for his father and Magnus for his husband. 

Magnus could never explain to anyone how much he loved his Alexander, how he felt when the nephilim smiled at one of his silly jokes, how his heart skipped a beat whenever Alec would call him beautiful. Nobody neither could nor would understand their love.

Magnus had been Alec’s first love, and Alec had been Magnus’ last. 

Blacking out, Magnus started thinking about how their last years had been spent. Alec had spent the last three years telling Magnus that when he would pass away, he had to never stop smiling, to never stopping himself from falling in love again and to take care of Max. Magnus could only promise him one, and that was always Max. He would never stop taking care of their son, all they had now was each other, and Alec would hate if his death would tear them apart. 

The last thing Magnus saw, was Alec dead body on a carrier, held up by two Shadowhunters he had never seen before. His eyes stung, and his whole body felt sore. 

‘’I’m going to be okay, Max, please just…I need to be alone.’’ Magnus mumbled after the door closed after them.

Max sighed, ‘’No you’re not, I’m coming over tomorrow, okay?’’, his eyes were red and puffy from crying too.   
Magnus bowed his head down, and hugged Max once more. 

Once Max had left, he was alone in his apartment. There was nothing but silence around him, and the realization that this was how his life would be form now on felt like a dagger in his heart. There would be no more laugher, no more conversations between him and his now dead lover. No more love, no more fights, no more nothing.   
Magnus still didn’t know what he would miss more, the crinkles in Alec’s eyes when he would smile that handsome smile of his at Magnus whenever Magnus would say ‘’aku cinta kamu’’, his large hands that touched his body so delicately, so loving. Or the way Alec would tell him how lucky he was that Magnus were his.   
How stupid his angel had been, to think that Magnus were the lucky one. 

He had never loved anyone the way he had loved Alec. With every fiber of him being, he put everything into their relationship so effortlessly; put every tiny bits and pieces of his heart and soul to dedicate his love to Alec. 

He would’ve done everything for his Alec, but everything was never enough.

Because now all Magnus had left was his empty heart and their empty apartment.

**Author's Note:**

> Death threats can be sent to Warlockboner on tumblr!
> 
> Also I didn't look through it because I didn't have the strength to read through it more than necessary, so its probably really bad grammar and some things may not make sense, so sorry about that!


End file.
